like black butterflies

These last few years have been hell – precisely, since early 2021 when, for the first and only time, I happened to be watching CSPAN out of curiosity for how elections get certified, only to be watching the capitol get stormed in real time – stunned that the police didn’t unload on them as they’d been doing the past few years on peaceful protestors for Black rights.

My mental health had been in a steady free fall. It felt like every inane scenario lined up single file waiting for their turn to knock me out. As soon as I thought I could catch my breath, here came another throat punch. But 2025 finally started to feel like I was emerging from that valley. There was no doubt still some nonsense people and situations, but the blows were less frequent and less impactful than in years past.

January started off pretty ominously – a mass shooting on Bourbon street, an unknown allergic reaction that would last until mid-march, and a once in a century snow storm in Louisiana, that while beautiful, tripped the electricity on our street leaving us without consistent heat. The city was also shut down for a good week because we have no snow plows. But after that exceedingly long month, or so it felt, things slowly, steadily picked up for the positive. And at the end of this year, I’m cautiously feeling more hopeful than I have in a while.

Every year I start out with a list of intentions. Some of them are specific goals I want to achieve, others are habits I want to develop and maintain.

Joyful Living

My primary goal – No Spend 2025 – and I failed joyfully.

Finally, I took a birthday trip out to Seattle to visit my college roommate. We were supposed to take a road trip through Sequoia National Park last year, but I got Covid for the first time and her life was chaotic. We still have to take that trip, but visiting Seattle for the first time was really fulfilling.

Professionally – Academia

2) Submit & publish three papers related to my dissertation work, and 3) Advance my research through grant applications and a book proposal

I had five papers published this year, only one of which was related to my dissertation, but it was a substantial paper. One of the papers was a surprise – something I’d worked on in grad school that got shelved. Then I got an email that it was being published with a host of new authors who I know didn’t meaningfully contribute – without ever being informed it was under review or sent a final manuscript, but that’s Tulane for you.

With everything going on in the government, advancing my research was a non-starter; the bottom has completely fallen out of NIH grant making, employment, etc. Meanwhile, I still gave two guest lectures at two different institutions, presented at the American Anthropological Association annual meeting, and a book chapter in an edited volume that’s been in limbo for years is finally in production.

There were many rejections though: a faculty position I had a first interview for didn’t invite me for a second; many other faculty positions, jobs, and consulting positions I applied for didn’t send so much as a rejection letter; a contract that would bridge the financial chasm I’m facing as an underemployed postdoc fell through just as my NIH loan repayment didn’t get renewed, meaning I have even less money and more bills.

Projects & Entrepreneurship

4) Finish interviews with my Dad and 5) Revamp this blog

I don’t know that there’s a solid finish-line for interviewing my dad, but I did restart our weekly interviews after a year and a half hiatus since our roadtrip. Instead of using a voice recorder and interviewing him on speaker phone, we’ve finally started Zoom interviews where I can create a transcript and video recording at the same time. My task for next year is getting all of the hundreds, maybe thousands, of hours of voice recorded interviews transcribed, cleaning them, and figuring out where follow up conversations need to happen. He’ll be 85 next year, time is of the essence.

I did not revamp this blog (maybe in 2026), but I did design two new websites: One for my work as a research professional, and the other a site for my new business endeavor – Viridescent Spaces.

An unplanned project years in the making

I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a business for awhile, centered around home & landscape design. I finally took the leap, settled on a name after toying with a few concepts, and registered with the state. I ordered the study materials to get my horticultural license and have been chipping away at the manual. I still have plenty to do in terms of building out content, concepts, services, and pricing, but I’m excited even while scared to do something that’s such a departure from the working path I’ve been on. Although, if you know me personally and have seen the years and sweat equity I’ve put into my own landscaping, home repairs and organization, and spatial design, and artistic works, this makes complete sense as a next move.

I also took a leap and tested out selling our family’s infamous sweet potato pies. Just for the month of December. I’ve been imagining doing this sense college and I figured, why not? It wasn’t a huge success, but I perfected my pie crust, my baking process, and learned a great deal about shipping baked goods. I’ll give it another go in the spring.

Interpersonal

6) I wrote down “Decenter Drama” as an intention, but didn’t really specify how that would look

Work

Sometimes you have to expose the drama in order to decenter it. After years of ruminating, I finally blew the whistle on a former boss. It made national news despite my not really being part of the broader narrative. Journalist primarily hyperfocused on the plagiarism as a singular issue instead of getting into the real story of the depth & breadth of rampant exploitation and abuse, part and parcel of the structure of academia. I guess that’s less interesting for click bait. The university of course swept it under the rug with her departure as some planned, innocuous situation, while simultaneously deciding I wasn’t discriminated against.

Academia has been an incredibly violent ecosphere for awhile, interpersonally and institutionally. Particularly with people who claim to be doing the work of social justice but fundamentally operate from the place of self-promotion and status elevation. People who look like me, who rail about the struggles of being Black in academia, about the health inequities we face population-wide – some of those “superstars” and aspiring stars have been the worst people to engage with. Untrustworthy and ready to sacrifice you for their own self-preservation and advancement. It’s difficult to call this out given the current climate and unreasonable attacks on academia, anti-racism, and health equity writ large. But covering for people who are functionally agents of white supremacy because we fear that putting a target on one person’s back might put us all under a microscope, is only detrimental in the long run. Either we move from a place of values and accountability or none of this is worth a damn .

I’m especially disappointed with the many colleagues who knew what was happening and were happy to lap up all the drama behind closed doors, but couldn’t be bothered to stand in solidarity publicly or even just check in when we were put in the crosshairs. Exposing Rachel clarified for me that her disposition is the rule rather than the exception. It’s cowardice in action, moving from a place of fear and scarcity, hiding behind rhetoric. People believe they’d never do anything as egregious as Rachel (or the various other high powered academics who’ve done raggedy shit over the years), but don’t recognize that it’s a pathway that many of them are already on and refuse to veer off of.

No one wakes up planning to be an extreme villain or coward, they make a series of compromises in their purported values over years such that plagiarism, exploitation, character defamation, silence & complicity, is a reasonable next step rather than a vast departure. If you don’t recognize your own descent down that pathway towards becoming a shallow, self-interested, fame seeking academic, you’ll look up in 10 or 20 years and have a trail of bodies, so to speak, of junior scholars who once looked up to you and looked towards you for mentorship who are now burnt out, defeated, and shuddering with a bitter resentment every time your name is spoken in public,

Life

In the theme of de-centering drama, I also finally laid to rest interactions with my ex-husband We’d been co-dog-parenting for years, and I use that term loosely because if these were children, he’d fall into willfully incompetent, loser father territory. After years of his failures to plan his own life or consider that I have one, which impacted not only the dogs’ care by my ability to forecast my own commitments and time, I decided to become a single (dog) mother.

Is it annoying not having free dog care the few times I need to go out of town? Absolutely! Especially as my financial situation is in the toilet and his is thriving (thanks in large part to the work I put in building out his business). Is it rough not having some of the vet bills split (because he never actually went 50/50)? 1000% And this year has been especially rough because we found out one of the dogs, Rocky, has hypothyroidism and Cushing’s disease – meaning nearly $200 worth of medication every month for the rest of his life. But every day I know what to expect, the pups have a routine, and there’s no longer the wild card of having to deal with my ex’s variability and selfishness.

Personal

7) Find new doctors/get new bloodwork; 8) Commit to comprehensive self-care; 9) Expand my attention span; and 10) Reduce/repurpose/recycle possessions

This was also a mixed bag. I did get a new primary physician and updated bloodwork, which was much improved after a year and a half of troublesome numbers. Stress really does kill. I still have to replace a couple of other providers. Comprehensive self-care was a vague intention, and had vague results. Same with “expand my attention span.” The underlying intention was to lessen my social media doomscrolling. I did that, sort of. On the day to day, not so much, but I filled more of my time with activities outside of the house that kept me off screen.

I went back to a ballet class for the first time in over 20 years and was pleased to be in a studio and not feel like a teacher was hawkishly waiting for me to make a mistake in order to publicly chastise me. I was also shocked at how out of ballet shape I was – I don’t know why. I guess I deluded myself into thinking the only thing I’d lost was my turnout. Turns out endurance, concentration, overall muscle strength is also gone 😂. I only went twice, because life, but have been doing a class at home via youtube, which is probably more my speed for now anyway.

I joined a new Mardi Gras dance krewe – the Beyjorettes, a Beyoncé tribute ensemble. I was previously in a different krewe for 5 or 6 years. I quit after 2020’s season when that group’s leadership took far too long to denounce some local racism, that most every other dancing and marching krewe as well as school band in the city had called out and resigned from the parade. It took me awhile to find myself back in the production of Mardi Gras, but this new group has been a breath of fresh air with cute costumes to boot!

I also signed up for a woodworking class. In middle school we were required to take woodshop in 7th and 8th grade. In 7th grade we really didn’t fool with the tools. But in 8th grade the assignment was to design and make a wooden box that could fit business cards inside, and they taught us how to operate a bandsaw. I still have my box and I’ve thought about how much fun that was for 25+ years. The woodworking class assignment was to make a table, any table you want. My overambitious self decided I wanted to make an end grain butcher block top kitchen island. Buying one was easily $3000, so why not do it myself? 😑

Reader, I now understand why they cost so much. It took much longer than the 8 week class, but for less than a third of the cost to buy it, and with new skills, I did it! Cherry top, red oak base.

Overall, my screen time is still far higher than is healthy, but I’m working on it. As for reducing/repurposing/recycling, I did not accumulate much but I also didn’t sort and release, and I have a list of creative projects on my radar for the new year.

2026

I’m hopeful but more than that, I’m curious and excited. When I sat down to write this next year’s intentions, things I usually focus on did not come up – like performing well in the academic circus – or ruminating about things I don’t like about myself – like releasing “perfectionism.” What did come up was a focus on actual interests, things I put to the side in pursuit of practical, a focus on living fully and seeing what else I can do.

1. Take & pass the horticulture licensure exam
2. Take & pass the certification for nursery & landscape professionals
3. Develop a writing practice – across all my websites on weekly/biweekly intervals
4. Develop a movement practice – 5x a week yoga & ballet combined
5. Develop & maintain a music practice – playing piano 3x/week and explore learning jazz fundamentals
6. Build out the home services & content for Viridescent
7. Consistently carve out time to play and explore with Rocky & SoCo
8. Make art! Let the pen lead with no particular outcome
9. Revisit other hobbies I’ve put aside (photography, woodworking, collaging)
10. Sort through & organize dad’s interviews, get transcripts, plan follow up conversations

Happy new year, and may your black eyed peas, greens, and cornbread be a promise of good things to come!

(I grew my own peas this year ☺️)