I had good intentions of documenting my PhD Journey, but then life got complicated towards the end of 2018, and then my progress got stalled out due to funding issues in 2019, and then the pandemic hit in 2020, and things got weird.
Last time I made an update I was about to take comprehensive exams. Grueling experience, 0/10. Was also taking exams at the same time that Brett Kavanaugh was being questioned before being put on the Supreme Court. Quite the background noise to my marathon of writing. Anyway, finished the exams, passed, got the highest score ever (at that point) in the program.
Then a bunch of chaos happened where I was trying to get dissertation funding and applied to National Institute of Justice grant for doctoral students and I was waiting on that before I finalized and defended my prospectus. That caused about an 8 month delay only to not get the grant and then having to pivot to a study that would require no funding. Switched up my committee, got new ideas, and then finally got a draft written and sent to said committee by early 2020. And then, well…
After much back and forth, via email, and figuring out logistics for this new situation, I defended my prospectus via Zoom in April 2020. First of many presentations/lectures to come via zoom.
Then George Floyd was murdered and then we had a summer of hurricane hell where we were “in the cone of uncertainty” like 7 times. On top of this my fellowship ended so I had no funding starting that fall, but got two job offers – one which would have criminally underpaid me for what they wanted, and the other from the Deans, which was a salary match to the other job but I had all the time I needed to work on my dissertation plus I was supposed to get some publications out of working under him. Seemed like a better deal, until of course it wasn’t and turned into an abject nightmare a year later.
Before my job went to shit, one good thing that came out of it was realizing how I had proposed entirely too much research and he suggested I focus on only one of the three aims. That one aim I ended up focusing on still ended up being way too much. I don’t know what my committee was for if in their expertise they couldn’t realize I’d proposed a five-year research study that needed a team of like 5-10 people. With the new pared down study, I only needed to teach myself and entirely new analytic method (*yikes*) and find a couple of research assistants.
In 2021 I finally seemed set up to move my own research forward, except the job that wasn’t supposed to be a heavy lift ended up asking me to a pretty huge analysis, which took up a lot of my time for three months…because quantitative scientists don’t understand how long qualitative work takes. But I did it, because it was supposed to be a future publication.
Enter Hurricane Ida…and catastrophic power failure and a fucked supply chain for about a month. Prior to Ida there were a couple of tornadoes that ran through the city. I only had some felled trees, a shredded garden, and a week plus of no power. No roof damage. Others weren’t so fortunate.
Needless to say, my dissertation progress went out the window. I had planned to defend that November, but after that month long ordeal with Ida and upcoming (virtual) conferences, there was no way. My advisor was very supportive of this. Got through the Ida cleanup/restoration of the city, through the conferences in October, and finally by November I felt re-energized to knock out my dissertation.
Remember when I said that job was a nightmare? Well, mid-November, I got a curt email sent on a Saturday morning from the Dean himself, sent via iPhone nonetheless, telling me I wouldn’t have job starting January 1st. Focus, gone! Now I have to find a new job, except no one is hiring between thanksgiving and the new year.
It was so absurd, this man wouldn’t so much as write in complete sentences when I asked why or reminded him that I wasn’t defending until spring and wouldn’t have funding. He also didn’t a lift a finger to help find any continuation funding despite knowing all of the research studies happening at the School that probably could’ve used another research assistant. Just cold.
I found another research position in my department but ended up losing 20% of my income, and because of the surprise timing, I wasn’t able to just seamlessly move laterally, I was let go and rehired. Why does that matter? Well, Tulane requires you to contribute to retirement for 1 year before they match, and I was let go just before I hit that 1 year mark, and that non-continuous employment meant I completely lost that opportunity for increased contributions. Talk about financial setbacks!
To add insult to injury – that study I did all of that analysis for was turned into a virtual conference to showcase the Dean and his supposed connection and commitment to the New Orleans community. Was I included in this conference since I did all of the analysis to generate the conclusions? No. Was I even made aware of this conference? No again. Have those data been turned into the report for the funder? Couldn’t tell you, but if it was it wasn’t shared with me. Did I get a publication from it? Nope.
Basically, I was exploited for three months and then kicked out the door when they were done with me. And then! The Dean plus a bunch of other faculty that I periodically worked with published a paper on police violence – a topic not a single one of them study. I guess it must’ve just slipped their mind to include me in the writing process despite my having the singular most expertise on the subject at the School, and despite their literally emailing me and asking me for sources of data on the subject in the months leading up to that publication. Cool, zero publications from that position.
Nevertheless, I pushed through. I binge wrote up the results, got the last little bit of data I needed, and sent rough drafts of my dissertation, chapter by chapter to my committee. And you would think this would finally be the homestretch of this saga, except for two things:
- Couldn’t get my defense scheduled because all of my committee members were too busy to find a date where they could all be present
- One of my committee members decided to go full Karen and recruited others in her crusade
To solve the first issue, I dropped the Dean from my committee (which, whatever). But that second issue, WHEW CHILE.
Ms. Karen decided to play devil’s advocate in giving me feedback on my thesis – a paper entirely about Black women being killed by police. Not sure what possessed her to think that it was appropriate to act up in that particular way – but hey, Tulane’s motto is “only the audacious,” and she had all the audacity.
First, she questioned my methods & methodology, which is something that should’ve been raised MONTHS ago. But the questions all stemmed from her ignorance of the methods. Rather than familiarizing herself with the methods I used (I offered to share the published papers), she wanted to see my work and include it in the document, which made no sense. With statistical modeling I could give her output (tables, code, R and p-values). But with critical qualitative methods, outside of reading my very detailed methods section (the equivalent of statistical output) and the published papers that I offered, she would need to climb into my brain. She essentially did not believe the methods were a valid construct in and of themselves and wouldn’t own that.
Then she started picking at shit that showed she was a police apologist – questioning my use of the term lynching, asking to prove whether police intended to hurt Black women before I included their deaths in the sample. Just violence. All in the days before my defense.
For those unaware of what a defense day looks like, you stand up and present, take questions from the committee, take questions from public members in attendance, and then you’re asked to leave the room while they deliberate, and then you’re brought back in and they tell you the results. The critical part of a defense is the questions asked by the committee.
After I finished presenting, Ms. Karen suddenly forgot how to speak. She didn’t ask a SINGLE question at my defense, which is UNHEARD of. Even when people have unassailable research, every committee member always speaks, whether to ask a softball question or to make a comment. She said NOTHING. I left the room, came back, and my advisor and the other two members of my committee congratulated me and said I passed with some insignificant revision to make. Ms. Karen still didn’t speak, even though I was sitting next to her.
And that is the story of how I got my PhD.
Except, Ms. Karen wasn’t done with me. I defended on March 29th. By mid-April, I got an email from the university saying I was being accused of harassment, intimidation, and cyberbullying in connection with events from March 29th. I was required to attend a hearing.
The investigator explained that the complaint was from my department but didn’t tell me who filed the complaint specifically. I told her what was going on, that the only thing I did on March 29th was defend my dissertation, and I explained the back and forth prior to that. She seemed horrified, and within 15 minutes of our conversation decided to closed the case and find me not responsible. She wasn’t convinced about the case to begin with, but she was clear that she could find nothing in the tone of my emails (that were sent to her) that seemed unprofessional.
I’m sorry the gatekeeping process of this office allowed this through
I was glad it was over and in my favor, but I needed to know more. I set up another meeting with the investigator, because I had the right to see the complaint made against me and know who the accuser was. Over zoom, she had to read it to me, they couldn’t send me the files. She didn’t know where to start reading, because it was so lengthy. It wasn’t just from Ms. Karen, it was also from the Associate Dean of Academic Affairs, and was assembled and submitted by the Asst. Dean of Student Experience who wrote that she had so much evidence against me she couldn’t upload it all, but was happy to send the rest of it over (!!!!)
Between the two of them, they listed out every grievance they ever had with me. I am outspoken, if something doesn’t make sense, I will say so. I am NOT disrespectful. But what we know about folks trafficking in white supremacy is that anything other than niceness and submissiveness is disrespect.
Ms. Karen sent the university copies of all of our emails going back a year, and was outraged that I didn’t accept whatever format of “feedback” she provided. She felt she was allowed to say whatever she wanted, however she wanted, and my questioning of that was “disrespectful” and prevented her from doing her job. She also insinuated I should be grateful that she read my entire dissertation. 😶 Is that not your job?
Assoc. Dean claimed I was hostile and overly critical of the university. She claimed that my committee’s feedback should’ve been a teachable moment, she was only trying to improve my work by suggesting I stop editorializing and let the data speak for itself. [Data don’t speak, they are interpreted. This strategy is fundamentally at odds with the methods I chose, which is I pushed back]
Throughout this recording are misconstruals, overt lies, and disparagement. If you listen to the recording the first 10 minutes are the investigator reading letters until I can’t take it anymore. By 10:15 min you can hear my explanation of everything they accused me of.
- It was insinuated I merely couldn’t handle feedback on my dissertation, except I wasn’t receiving feedback I was receiving the verbalized anxiety of someone’s ignorance and their worldview on police being safety mechanisms being challenged,
- I was accused of being critical over and above everyone else (and some arbitrary limit) to where it became bullying and harassment, except I said what everyone else said and didn’t say some of the things they claimed I did,
- I was called “angry” for expressing frustration at being talked over and condescended to,
- I was accused of intimidating an audience by explaining my defense would take longer than 40 min and that I was going to take my time and not rush through it.
- You can watch my defense and judge for yourself if I sounded belligerent
You’d think I held these people hostage: Ms. Karen didn’t have to serve on my committee and Assoc. Dean didn’t have to attend my defense. But they told on themselves and the administration – they’d been monitoring me for months, surveilling, keeping notes and records. This was a planned attack. A failed one. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t so violent.
When it was all said and done, what was the purpose of filing the complaint? They sent it AFTER I passed my defense. I was going to be gone in less than two months. What did they hope to achieve? Forcing me to apologize? Paying a fine? Having my transcripts held? What was the point other than humiliation, ruining what should’ve been a celebration of 6 years of hard work, reminding me who was actually in charge? The investigator suggested I speak to the Equal Opportunity office, but I ultimately decided to just get out of there. In retrospect, I wish I had – abusers in academia don’t go away, they get promoted. The rest eventually leave.
Doing my dissertation research was traumatic in itself – reading details of Black women’s deaths repeatedly (500+ cases), listening to family members weep over losing their loved ones. To have to deal with the institution’s violence on top of that brought me to an edge I’d never felt before.
My defense felt bittersweet, between Covid, signing divorce papers the day before, and this circus of a committee. Commencement was also soured, because those same people hell bent on destroying me were the ones presiding over the ceremony:
Ms. Karen presided over the hooding ceremony and was on the stage while we took pictures, so I don’t have a picture without her ugly spirit in it.
Joyfully, I was able to have my dad hood me, from the first Dr. in the family to the most recent:
The Dean, of course, presides over the degree ceremony, and all professional photos are taken when you’re handed the degree and shake his hand. I had the wherewithal not to shake his hand so there was enough space between us that I could crop him out of photos 🙌🏾.
I didn’t expect years worth of work on police violence against Black women to culminate in my being policed by the leaders of the school, subjected to the violence of exploitation and financial insecurity by the #1 in charge, coupled by the racism and crocodile tears of two white women (#2 in charge and Doctoral Director), assembled by the Dean of Student. Misogynoir all the way down.
But after all that, I PhinisheD
like black butterflies 
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